DBT mindfulness

I am finding the principles of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) so useful in my personal and professional life!  Developed by Marsha Linehan, DBT is a type of therapy designed to teach emotional regulation.  However, the bulk of DBT is a plethora of skills that can be practiced by most without participating in the therapy.

The cornerstone of the skills is mindfulness, the act of being aware of one's current experience (and the topic of this blog!).  With this awareness, we can identify what we need in order to calm down (if our nervous system is activated) or amp up (if our nervous system is depressed).  DBT offers a really cool model for understanding our state of mind, in the moment.

On one end of our experiencing is our Emotional Mind.  When we operate in our Emotional Mind, our immediate wants and needs are amplified.  Picture an infant, who is consumed with what it desires in the present moment--that's Emotional Mind.

On the other end is our Reasonable, or Rational Mind.  Rational Mind thinks logically, without regard for "irrational" wants and needs.  Picture a robot.   Picture Mr. Spock.

In the middle is Wise Mind, the synthesis of Emotional and Rational Minds.  There are two ways I've found to identify Wise Mind.  One is to check in with our Emotional and Rational Minds, and explore what they each want out of the situation.  Finding a compromise, a way to honor both, is one way to operate from Wise Mind.

The other way to access Wise Mind is intuitively.  Checking in with our "gut", praying, or asking our deepest self what the best course of action is.  I usually know that I have tapped into Wise Mind when I feel a settledness, a calm sense that I've discovered the right path.  It may not be what I want to do, but acknowledging it comes with a sense of peace and certainty. 

Here's a simple example.  Let's say I have a ton of chores to accomplish this weekend, but I'm really tired and just want to relax.  I check in with Emotional Mind, which just wants to curl up with a good book in my pajamas and order delivery.  I check in with Rational Mind, which is concerned about the consequences of not accomplishing the chores and wants to push me to work.  What do I do? 

I can spend some time checking in with Wise Mind, feeling awake to both my need to rest my body, and my need to attend to important tasks.  Perhaps I sit myself down and make a list of only the most vital, time-sensitive tasks, and leave the rest of my list.  Perhaps I appoint one day for resting and one for working.  Perhaps I ask someone for help.  Perhaps I write the tasks into my schedule for the following week and commence with my "pajamas and book" idea.  Just the act of tending to ALL my needs, instead of just the ones I think I should, opens up creative possibilities.

Try it out!  Check in with yourself at various points during the day, or when you are facing a tough decision.  Identify what Emotional Mind wants and what Rational Mind wants.  Then either find a way to honor both, or use your intuition to identify your Wise Mind response.

DBT's official website: http://behavioraltech.org/

"Welcome."

A shorter, one-step way to practice the Radical Acceptance that Tara Brach writes about is to respond to life's ups and downs with a simple "Welcome".

I find that when I welcome my experience, no matter how difficult, a tenderness is stirred inside toward myself, and toward life itself. I've expanded the "Welcome" by adding a gentle reminder to myself, "This too, is life." Life is precious, and all that I experience is affirmation that I am alive. When I welcome my experience, I welcome life.

The certainty of eventual death is something that I have always struggled with. By welcoming my experience as Life, I am present to my Existence. Perhaps a lifetime of being Present to Life will enable me someday to face Death with acceptance, too.

radical acceptance

I am experiencing a foundationally transformative book right now, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha. The author, Tara Brach, writes beautifully and profoundly about a practice born out of Vipassana (mindfulness) meditation.

The practice is Radical Acceptance, and as I have used it in my life over the past few weeks I have been amazed at its transformative effect. You'll be reading a lot on this blog about radical acceptance, but in this post I'd like to share about its surprisingly simple core.

Tara describes two steps in Radical Acceptance, and the first is simply Mindfulness; checking in with ourselves and noticing what we are experiencing in the present moment. We observe our physical sensations, our emotions, and the stories that run through our minds about our present experience. For example, if someone cuts me off on the freeway, I might immediately experience fear. This might feel like a balloon blowing up inside my chest, or my muscles tightening while my heart beats fast. I might feel angry, with a churning feeling in my stomach. I might notice that there is a story going through my mind saying that the person who cut me off doesn't care about my life or about their dangerous actions.

The second step is to accept this immediate experience non-judgmentally, and with compassion. Taking a kindly approach to ourselves, we do not push away uncomfortable sensations, nor do we grasp after pleasant ones. We accept what is, in the present moment, and give to ourselves the same compassion that we would to a cherished friend. This is very different from my previous practice of telling myself sternly why I should "get over" something, which often led me to resentment or guilt that I wasn't "getting with the program" and moving on. When I accept my present experience with compassion, it is as though I am sitting down next to myself, and offering the friendship of silent, loving companionship.

Putting these two steps together, my practice is to say in my mind, "I notice that I am feeling __________." And, I accept this with compassion.

Something happens inside me when I do this . . . it's as though the emotions and sensations that have been consuming me recede a little. I am not longer anger. I am no longer sadness. Anger or sadness is present, but I am detached just enough to make this experience manageable. Frankly, my experience has been that once I've practice radical acceptance in a given situation, about 75% of the time the discomfort just disappears. Always, it's made more bearable. Unbelievable.

There is so much more to share, but I'll save it for future posts! I'll be posting much more regularly now, so stop by again soon! :)

coming together of opposites

I recently read in Ivan Richmond's book Silence and Noise: Growing Up Zen in America that the Zen Buddhist motion of bringing the palms of the hands together across the chest (as in prayer, or the yogic tradition of "namaste") is meant to symbolize two opposites becoming one. I like this, because even while I was a practicing evangelical Christian, I had a reverence for paradox and mystery as profound and beautiful--not puzzles that need to be solved or questions that are useful only once answered.

I am learning that within the thought life of Zen Buddhism is an ease with opposites. It seems to me that all great spiritual leaders who have stood the test of time also embraced paradox. If I can accept paradox, I begin to be able to see what is real.

My body is a good current example. I weigh more than I ever have, but I am also the most psychologically healthy with regard to my body, and I am implementing more physically and emotionally healthful habits than I ever have before. I am eating better, exercising well, and choosing to pursue health rather than a particular figure. I look one way; I feel another. I seem one way on the surface, but inside I am another.

Once I was able to name this seeming contradiction, I began to feel a greater peace about it. Richmond notes that the hand motion that symbolizes the coming together of opposites is called the "jewel-holding mudra". He writes, "We imagine that between our hands is a jewel. The jewel is enlightenment, because true enlightenment comes from seeing beyond the opposites."

when "now" could be better

I was just pondering the practice of mindfulness when "now" is unpleasant or uncomfortable. While it is important to be present, observe our discomfort, and make adjustments if possible, what do we do when the present is still painful? Here, I believe that the field of somatic experiencing has something to teach us.

Somatic experiencing (SE) is a type of body work that is becoming increasingly prominent in the field of psychotherapy. Although formal training is essential in order to develop the competence to provide SE, one does not have to be a psychotherapist to receive that training; it is also open to nurses, body workers and a host of other helping professionals.

In SE, one is encouraged to identify resources, and apply those resources to discomfort in the moment. For example, if you have back pain, focus on an area of your body that feels good. Perhaps your calves feel relaxed and grounded, planted on the floor. Focus on the positive feeling. In imagination, take that relaxed, grounded feeling in your calves, and apply it to your back. Let your back receive healing from the stronger parts of you.

If you are experiencing an unpleasant mood, think back to some wonderful memory; one that only has positive associations and does not pain you to think about. Let's say that you remember a wonderful camping trip you took. Further refine the memory by picking one moment from the trip. The day you hiked to a waterfall and experienced the exhilaration of the pounding water. You felt completely at peace. Take that feeling, that memory, and let it become Now. Remember it in detail. Allow yourself to be exhilarated again. You aren't denying your present difficulties, you are simply introducing a Resource into the mix that you can draw positive energy from.

What do you currently feel that could benefit from a Resource? I'm exhausted after waking up too early; so I plan to lie in bed for at least a few minutes and Resource! :)

real-time accomplishments

Here's an idea: What if we spent more time identifying positive steps we are already taking?

So often, I look to the future in the hope that I will produce brand-new positive habits. This is good, but I also think I might have something to gain from reviewing my day and observing what I am already doing well.

Today was a classic case of over-work in my life. I stayed at the office much later than my goal, tending to this and that. However, here's a list of things I did well:
-I focused on one task at a time.
-I included fresh fruits on my grocery list, which I am about to enjoy.
-I set reasonable boundaries when I needed time to myself.
-I just took some time off from the computer when my cat informed me that it was time to cuddle.

What did you do well today? Whether it was an accomplished goal, or a healthful action that you took automatically, congratulations!

the practice of narration

Lately I've been trying to practice narrating what I do in my mind as I'm doing it. This helps me do only one thing at a time, and be present to each moment. I've resisted the urge to catch up on phone calls while driving, stating instead to myself, "I am driving." As I walk from the car to my office, I think, "I am walking." Once at work, as I embark on each task, I state in my mind what it is that I am doing. I am trying not to multi-task, but to approach each job deliberately and with focus. I plan to start using this approach with eating, too; observing not only that I am eating, but what the experience is like (the tastes, fragrances, textures, etc.) Though narrating each task may sound infantile and even maddening, it has had the opposite effect; I feel more centered, and find myself slowing down.